So confused

     I honestly don't know why I do the things I do. I mean, what am I even doing? I promised myself that I'd be nice to everyone and still, I just do things I don't intend to- like act rude and offend people. Just a few minutes ago, mum and I were having a perfectly amicable conversation and somewhere, somehow, I just felt as though I really didn't want to be there. And then I just stopped being chatty and gave brisk answers- like a bipolar mood-killer  I don't even know why I do it, I know I'm not bipolar. Actually, no... maybe I am bipolar. I don't even know.

     I feel like most of the time, I'm just arguing with myself- as if I'm my only friend. Which isn't as absurd as it seems. It's holiday time and I really don't feel like going out or seeing anyone- I'm just not in that jolly Christmas mood, therefore making me a loner. (Even though I love holidays and celebrations) Besides, everyone's busy with their relationships and I'm dead broke. EVEN THOUGH I HAVE A JOB. Wtf. I feel even more lonely now than I ever have before because the ONE friend that was always single with me is in a relationship. With a guy I really dislike. He just seems so dodgy- he came onto her while in a relationship, and he's tried to get close with my other friends before her. I don't care if he calls that "being friendly", bro was getting a lil' too close there. I don't mean to sound mean, but I hope Joanne and Dylan break up. It's just how I feel at this time.

     So now I'm all alone (and actually enjoying it) and Watson keeps acting as though we're more than friends which is just dksjbfksvnfhoi. I don't know whether I like him since he pisses me off really easily, and at the same time, I like having him around for comfort. Yes, I realise it sounds like I'm using him, but then again he acts that way with all his friends so maybe I'm over thinking things. It's all just so confusing. And my mum keeps asking me if I have a boyfriend. WOMAN, WHEN I DO, I WILL INFORM YOU OKAY. YOU DO NOT NEED TO KEEP ASKING EVERY WEEK LIKE IT'S BREAKING NEWS. Thank you for making me feel even more lonely and worthless. It's not like I asked to be single. And I don't actually mind it most of the time, it just gets to me when people rub it into my face.

-I understand you have a relationship. It's going well? Congratulations! DON'T MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I WILL BE FOREVER ALONE AND UNSUCCESSFUL AND DEPRESSED OKAY?-

     Even when I'm having  a good day, I somehow manage to ruin my own mood by thinking about these things. I'm pretty sure something is wrong with me... I don't quite know what it is though.